I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
