drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
