I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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