I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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