I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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