my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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