i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
