apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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