I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am spending my child support on dildos
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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