OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am midnight drunk by noon
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
