I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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