Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
