Don't make out with my wife yet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
