I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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