Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
