i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I looked at my own cervix.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
