I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
