my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
