when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
