the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
