Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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