I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
