you guys were way drunker than both of me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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