Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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