Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
