11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dick very happy bro
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
