your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
