I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
