so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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