I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
