I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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