he puts the penis in happiness.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
