had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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