Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
