In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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