I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
