1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
