once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
