The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
