biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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