Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
