The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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