the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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