he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
