This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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