We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
