Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
