yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am midnight drunk by noon
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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