Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
