Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
