Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
