YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
