Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
