They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
