one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
