Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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